stark elliptical embrace

Why does the impersonal seem more personal than the deliberately personal? To fuse abstraction into one's expression of thought seems more intrusive to me than the mundane method of direct bluntness.

When I was in high school, everyday I would try out various personas to grasp at the thin fibers of feigned security. I was Liz Parker from Roswell for the morning hours - so beautiful and inquisitive, and then around 6th period I would grow bored and become Lara Croft. If I could adapt my inner self to belief in a fictitious entity that possessed an embellished beauty, perhaps I could feel confident enough to wander the hallway without my nose parallel to my sneakers.

Sometimes I start to momentarily revert back to that false sense of self in a nauseating spell of nostalgia- it's so easy to lose oneself in a pre-conceived illusionary platform of reality. Ever love a song so deeply that you manipulate the words to apply to your identity or present state? Every thing in the existence of the physical plain craves empathy - perhaps we stretch lavishly etched depictions to suit what we so deeply crave to be our reality to acheive a sense of condusive 'normalcy.'

Behavior that used to offend and agitate me I can now relate to emphatically. I feel myself limiting my interactions to those which deliver joy instead of the obligatory form of social niceties. My attitude and perspective altered - am I obliged to behave in a gracious manner regardless of my discourse toward the individual's ignorance and overall plainness for the sake of sustaining harmony? No one likes a bully, but I will not sit back and try to engorge my restless spirit in sticky passivity for the sake of securing social sanity!

There is one sole being in the course of my present existence that sticks out starkly like a bleached blade in an expansive field of emerald grass. While others have undeniably been of consequence in my formation toward awareness, he has ignited my profound alertness and inquisitiveness. His brashness kicked me in the teeth and left me dumbfounded at the precise moment when ascension toward clarity was absolutely crucial. Wide-eyed and stunned by the vibrance of this individual, I could not fathom embracing such an entity into my world. So, predictably, I avoided his companionship, frustrated at my insignificance in his grandiose presence. Yet ultimately, the disdain I felt toward his impact on my temperment provoked me to delve further toward introspection and emerge with an unprecedented sense of awareness toward the inner self and surrounding world.

I want to wrap my dark, textured wings around his energy.....but would there be an idle interaction now that he is eternally deified as one who torpedoed me into my 'awakening'? I cannot credit him for my entire identity; to do such would be destructive and vulnerable and unveil the sort of mental artifice which I despise. Yet, I know now that my path would not be remotely the same if I had not encountered him.

Is he waiting in a still, subconcious, gentle way for me to climb back upon his stoop? Or was I written off as a typical model of naivete? Would telling him of all this harden his already solidified ego? Now that I have treaded upon the earth he was planted into when I was unprepared, will he always be one step ahead of me, transcending my expectations?

Sometimes I wish I could sustain initial perception of others; it is inevitably shattered upon closer scrutiny time and time again, stretching immemorially.